Scorponok
This month we are interviewing Scorponok
Real name:
Colen McAlister
No middle initial. My parents apparently decided that odd first names (my sister is ‘Rowan’) were enough for their children, so no middle name for me. I can always add one later, like ‘Colen Danger McAlister’, or ‘Colen X. McAlister’ or something.
Website:
Date of Birth:
February 28th, 1981
Sex:
Dynamically male
Approximate location:
Somewhere in California that does not happen to be on fire.
What/Why the hell are you living in California’s Central Valley? What is it there you like, what is it you don’t like, and what is there to do in your town? How big is the town you live in? (I live in Southern California.) (Submitted by Serve13)
That’s right, start me out with the short ones.
OK, in order. I’m living here because the chap I work for lives just down the road, and living nearer is more competent than further away when you have to drive there 2-3 days a week.
What do I like… well, it’s very pretty around here. The weather is nice, especially so when I get back from lying in 30 degree heat in the park and find an email from my mother that says “It snowed in Edinburgh yesterday” (this happened a couple of weeks ago). Also the town I live in, while not very big (< 15,000 souls - about the size of the town I grew up in), has competent things like "A cinema" and "multiple supermarkets".
What do I not like... well, I am waging a constant war against the spiders / ants / woodpeckers / fruitbats that live in and around my apartment. I shall detail the hostilities here:
January: I move in. The apartment has not been lived in for the past 6 months or so, despite the previous tenant taking so long to move that the owners eventually threw her out. I begin catching (and deporting, via the front door) 2+ spiders a day that are wandering around in unacceptable places (i.e. anywhere I can reach them). This continues until June.
June: A small army of spiders attempts to take over the bathroom. I retaliate by killing them all.
July: I find a female black widow spider (the dangerous kind) in my kitchen - obviously the spiders were enraged by my treatment of them, and decided to take action. It is soon imprisoned in a jar, with the help of green super-thick chemical resistant gloves.
August: Ants start trekking in, searching for sekrits and treats despite my windexing them to hell and back. Enough is enough, I have the whole place gassed and don't see another live spider for the next 2 months. (The spiders are still here, however, and keep building webs - they're just out of sight.)
September: The spiders, having lost the Battle for Skrill HQ, try another tactic. They incite woodpeckers to peck-peck-peck on the walls at all hours of the morning, when I am trying to get some sleep. If they're particularly persistent, I have to go outside and throw things at them before they fly away.
How did you discover #exeter?
Well, I was in #ags at the time, and it went something like this:
<watashiki> colen: join #exeter plz
*** You have joined #exeter
*** watashiki kicked you from #exeter
Nicknames have been changed to protect the guilty. Wait, no, no they haven’t.
How long have you been chatting in #exeter?
Far too long… 5 years or something? Something like that
What things frustrate you the most? How do you usually cope with them?
The only things that frustrate me are annoying drivers. Otherwise, I live my life in a constant state of relaxedness and contentment. No, seriously.
What does haggis really taste like? (Submitted by GrlOnFire)
That’s an excellent question. I don’t really know how describe it… it just tastes like… stuff. Good tasting stuff. You should try it. It’s like black pudding - it tastes nice, even though it’s made of horrendously disgusting ingredients.
How long have you been online and how long have you been on IRC?
Online since about ‘92, I think, when dad & I went to the Future Entertainment Show in London and bought a 14k4 modem. I bought Desert Strike for the mega drive at the same show, I think it was 1992. They had a ‘virtual reality’ exhibit there… where did that go? (VR in general, not that exhibit specifically.) I mean can you imagine how cool it would be now that you can have more than 4 polygons in a scene?
What do you consider to be your greatest achievements to date? Why?
Well, I got a letter published in issue twenty-something of Sega Power magazine, does that count?
Probably getting good enough at archery to win medals for it. It took me 4 years and I still kinda sucked at it (everyone else was worse, har har), but it’s something I’m quite proud of.
Are you ever going to come back to the UK? When should we erect the border fence? (Submitted by GrlOnFire)
Yeah, almost certainly, after this job finishes; who knows when that will be. One place is much like another; the only difference is the people in it. I wish I could be back in the UK more to see you lot and the other folk who live there, but other than that I don’t miss it.
Do you have any interests in real life? If so what are they and how involved are you with them? Do you find your online life hinders or compliments them?
Haha, what kind of a question is that? “Do you have any interests in real life?” No, no I don’t, I just sit and stare at the wall in my free time. 
Playing computar games, if that counts as ‘real life’. Other than that, reading - I’m a sucker for a good story - and listening to music. The right music is hugely evocative, and makes me feel all tingly (oof). I’m a very solitary person; the only really group-oriented thing I’m involved in right now is pen-and-paper RPGs; I’m currently playing 1st Lt. Thomas Anderson in the year 2600, flying starfighters in the Royal Navy, which is neat.
So yeah, in conclusion I just sit and stare at the wall in my free time.
If you could shoot anyone you liked with an arrow, who would it be and why?
Probably the Wachowski Brothers. I’d shoot both of them through the leg (with the same arrow), explain why Matrix Revolutions wasn’t acceptable, and ask nicely if they’d do it again, properly. They could digitally re-do the entire three films with Christian Bale instead of Keanu Reeves, and possibly someone else instead of Carrie-Anne Moss (I object to her chin). That would in fact be the best thing ever. The rest of the old cast could stay.
How do you think other people perceive you in the channel? Do you think your online persona mirrors your real life persona?
I like to think that people in the channel see me as a real hoopy frood. Either they do, or they think I’m an idiot and they just don’t want to say it; either is plausible, and to me it would look the same either way, wouldn’t it?
I guess it is kind of similar to the way I behave in real life, except that in real life I don’t say horrible sarcastic things to total strangers, and generally talk less.
Can you draw a picture of a woodpecker? Please attach evidence in the form of an image file.
What’s it like being in a place where you are surrounded by creatures that might arrive and kill you in your sleep, possibly eating you whole, although this may or may not be worse than Scotland? (Submitted by Leg(o){1,50}las)
Jesus, Dave, I live in an apartment surrounded by cats, not in a bloody tent surrounded by mountain lions. (You don’t get mountain lions this far south.) The sword that leans on my wall is a source of endless comfort to me, and will be used in the unlikely event of a feline invasion.
If you could go on holiday anywhere and any when where would you go and who would you take with you?
I would go on holiday to OUTAR SPACE, or anywhere I could find zero gravity. I would take Colin_M with me, as we have been united in this endeavour for years. Depending on how competent zero gravity was, I would stay there until I got bored of it, then come back.
Failing that, somewhere high up in the mountains in Switzerland. I went there a lot with my parents when I was younger, and I’d like to go back now that I can actually appreciate it.
Where would you like to see yourself in five years time? Do you think you will be able to achieve it?
In five years time, I will be LORD OF ALL HUMANS!
ahem
I don’t know where things will be in 5 years… I can’t find the future any more. Sometimes that saddens me. Ah well, I’m sure something will turn up; until then, the pursuit of infinite power will have to do.
What was the least complimentary thing a teacher wrote about you in a school report?
“Could try harder” is the only one I remember.
That was on a project in primary school where, rather than using the allocated 6 months to do it, I did it in 4 hours the night before it was due in (I copied it all from an encyclopedia). Luckily it was primary school and I was pretty good at everything else, so I got away with it without even being shouted at by my parents.
Looking back on it, that was a really, really stupid thing to do.
If you could sum up your experience of #exeter in one word, what would that word be?
Precious.
Finally, who do you think I should interview for next months ‘chatter’?
And the winner is… Cath2! wheeeeeeeeeee
Thank you Scorponok for offering your often enlightening answers to my questions. Next month I will look forward to interviewing Cath2.